There is so much going on in my head I can barely keep a lid on it. I feel alone and worthless and just plain disgusting. I'm so angry at you right now but looking at the situation it seem worthless to be angry at a corpse. You didn't have to die, you know? You should have gone to the doctors a week ago when they all told you too! You'd still be alive you old fool.

You left us all alone, left them all alone. I can't stop crying at the whole situation. I'm depressed and I don't want to do anything. I would really like to curl up in a ball and just stop existing until the pain goes away. I don't think that it will though. It's never going to go away. I'm going to see it on the kids faces for the rest of their lives. They're Orphans now.  

Your Mother is allowing them to stay in the house so Kacie and Kim don't have to worry about where they are going to live. I think RoseMarie will be keeping the kids, I can tell Chelsea isn't too happy about that, neither is Joey. But at least they aren't with their ho-bag mother. I hater her Uncle Joey. I know its not right but I do. I blame the majority of this on her...

Do you have any idea what she said! When Kim called her to let her know that you were in the hospital she didn't care. She just wanted you to be able to sign her out of jail. And then when she got a call from Kim after you died, she said, "Well what about me? what am I going to do?"

I hope no one signs her out. She doesn't deserve anything more than that hell hole.

And Frankie. Oh god, I don't even think he knows yet. The jail is being so ridiculous. They needed it to be confirmed by the Hospital; which I understand but once that was done, they refused to let his mother tell him. They said with his history he might flipped out and hurt someone or himself. I don't know when they'll tell him but hopefully its soon.

God, I can't stop crying. I want you back. Not for me or anything but for those poor kids. When I went over with my parents, I saw Kacie. We hugged and it was just a big crying fest. I don't think I've ever heard my mom sob that loud. haha I didn't even think there was this much liquid in me! Gah, I just want to go back to sleep.

I miss you and I hope everythings is well up there. I'm so sorry.

I feel like out of all the variety of fruit, Pineapples are the most misunderstood.

They're screaming in my head now, and my corpse is dancing to the beat of their hearts. It's not a voluntary actions and I don't like it. I'm crying at them to stop. Out of anger, not sadness. I don't have a reason to be sad now; just numb with a heart wrenching happiness.

The pain is still there, seeping out with the thoughts I can't contain. I fear that if I stop and let go I'm going to fall. But wait. I'm already falling through the rancid city air and I can't close my eyes. It's like a car accident. I can't look away from my impending doom and as frightened as I am exhilaration is filling me and a surge of adrenaline is coursing through my veins.

The cars crash and go up in fireflies. I want to be them; drifting through the sea with nothing but a dream. Their tears sparkling, leading a road to a merciful damnation.

He's the Brutus to my Caesar and he doesn't even know it. With each expression and elegant movement of the dagger, I fumble. My blood is drenching the ballroom floor like his betrayal. But I have yet to realize that the only traitor in the room is my love.

Fast forward, Love. I have yet to tell him my true intentions. I sing a song of love, the feeling of hate filling my empty soul. Grateful for the temporary feeling of satisfaction I remain silent. Until the abyss consumes me once more. However, hope is alive, stemmed from his beautiful words that irrationality takes over and my reason is lost to the wind.

I am teetering on the edge of insanity. And a single miscalculation causes me to loose my balance. But he pulls me back, unknowingly. And as I stand there dumbfounded by his actions, I realize the air is rushing past. I am falling again; only this time there's a smile on my face.

I've just discovered Hide from X Japan. I'm deeply sadden and embrassed by the fact that I put off listen to him for so long. I've heard people taking about him and I never check out his work. >.< Stupid me.

Words are failing me. Which sucks considering I'm feeling particularly creative at the moment.

I want to destroy everything around me. Rip it to shreds until there is nothing distinguishable left. I want complete and utter chaos.

A beautiful catastrophy

Bring me war.

And then when it's all over. I want to stand back and admire the destruction I've created. I want to smile and say, "Look what I've created. Look what I've done."

That is how I feel.

Destructive.